This statement may seem unlikely as the states of play and conflict seem to be worlds apart. Let me explain.
Anyone who has ever been in a conflict knows the difficult cocktail that arises. Emotionally, we may feel angry, scared, vengeful, defensive, confused, helpful, sad, defeated or some mix thereof. Attached to these emotions come a variety of interests, some more or less benevolent: prove that we’re right, make the other person understand how hurt we are, get our way, etc.
Play on the other hand is a delightful space of liberty and psychological safety where we are free to explore and share in pleasure.
So, by integrating the play into the conflict, we immediately are challenging our habitual conflict strategies and inviting ourselves into a new pattern of interaction. It is though we are short circuiting a habitual serious-judgmental-win/lose stance through the innate playfulness that we can all access.
To get you started, here are a few techniques to try out in both interpersonal and team contexts. I am using the word conflict partner as you are both dancing together in the same conflict. The common thread here is not needing to take ourselves so seriously, bringing a breath of fresh air to the interaction!

AMPLIFY YOUR POSITION

Take whatever it is that you are saying and, with your conflict partner, amplify both the message and the emotion. This will help you feel what is at the core of your message and start a conversation at a deeper level of honesty. Additionally, by expanding the emotion instead of contracting it, additional avenues for transformation are opened.

E.g.

I’m upset because you didn’t invite me to the mall on the weekend with our friends.

becomes:

I am absolutely furious because you deliberately excluded me this past weekend when you didn’t invite me. You left me alone…ALONE!!! I bet if you were going on a vacation to the best place in the world with a free ticket, you wouldn’t even consider inviting me.

TAKE TURNS SWITCHING ROLES

After some active listening, simply switch roles with your partner, i.e. pretend that you have become them and are now defending their position. Feel free to amplify their perspectives to reflect how you have understood them.

MODIFY YOUR APPEARANCE

• Continue expressing your arguments with your teeth over your lips, like a rabbit.
• Squish your face together with your two hands.
• Find a ridiculous hat.

Then, continue the conversation as seriously as possible.

VENTING
Each person has 5 minutes to vent. You can say whatever you want, the idea is to let everything out that needs to be said. The other person simply listens with the intention to understand.

GIBBERISH
Continue the conflict for a little bit in gibberish before continuing to your language of choice. While in gibberish mode, try to continue working on strong listening.

DRAW EACH OTHER AS A MONSTER
Draw the other as a monster in a way that shows how you are experiencing their behaviour. Explain to them the attributes of the monster and what they represent.

MIME OUT YOUR EMOTIONS TO A SONG
Find a song that represents how you feel in the conflict. Play the song and mime out the lyrics or the emotion that you associate with the song.

DEBATE
Get a trusted third party to hear your grievances using a debate formula, complete with rebuttals. It is agreed that whatever verdict and corresponding actions the judge determines will be followed by you and your conflict partner.

WRITE A LETTER
In the first section, write why you think your conflict partner is wrong. In the second section, write why you think your conflict partner is right. Share your letters.

CONFLICT CLEANING
Continue having the conflict, and while you argue, put your additional energy into cleaning together.

HIGH FIVES
Every time your conflict partner makes a good point, give them a high five. This reminds you that you are both working on moving forward together.

PUPPET CONFLICT
Find an object or puppet that represents you well in this moment. Continue the conflict through the puppets. Feel free to change their voices as you see fit. The distance offered by the puppets may allow new perspectives to arise.

THE CALM CHALLENGE
With some conflict partners, you may find there is no willingness to listen, validate your perspective or even care about you. If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation, you can explore a fascinating solo game where the only objective is for you to stay light and calm while engaging with this difficult conflict partner. They insult you ? Don’t listen to you? Aren’t being kind ? Simply remember that their behaviour is not about you, and keep playing the game, unbeknownst to anyone but yourself. Of course, as with any game, feel free to disengage the moment you don’t want to be in the interaction anymore.

***

By exploring these playful conflict strategies, or by inventing your own, we can slowly lighten our experience of conflict. We might just learn to enjoy being in conflict together through integrating our creativity and re-imagining our relational patterns ✨.

When working with a group there are numerous micro practices that powerfully hand power back to the participants.

In every moment you can show the group that you are the expert and know best, or you can subtly remind them of their own intelligence and capacity.

When the group keeps talking about needing to get an ‘expert opinion’ or ‘do additional research’, remind them how much intelligence is in the room in that very moment and challenge them to dive into the topic at hand with their existing resources and tools.

Instead of: agreeing and stopping all progress because they don’t feel legitimate.

Why: people are constantly taught their expertise and thoughts are not valid or worthy; these sentences are indicative of a group being afraid of being in its power.

Cultivate interest in what the participants are sharing, because they shared it and not because you consider the ideas good or bad.

Instead of: giving positive affirmation to certain comments and a neutral or negative response to others.
Why: participants will see that your priority is that everyone engages fully, and that there is space for many kinds of ideas.

Let them sort the data.
When there is a mess of post-its, let them choose the categories.

Instead of: making the categories and organizing everything.

Why: this gives them true ownership of the process and what emerges.

Immeditately name a racist/ableist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/ageist/xenophobic etc. behaviour or comment in a relaxed way that does not exclude the perpetrator.

To make this not be an attack, focus on the comment and not the person, or simply state a group norm that the comment or action violates. Counter-intuitively, the perpetrator can actually be thanked here as their comment has provided an opportunity for the nature of the space to be ultra explicit (if it wasn’t the case already).

Instead of: focusing on the perpetrator or ignoring the comment or action.

Why: participants will know from the beginning that you are holding a safer space and that you won’t be allowing microaggressions and oppressive dynamics in your collective container.

When writing a comment on a flipchart, use the participants’ exact language.

Instead of: paraphrasing or finding a more professional way of expressing their thought.

Why: you are showing them their words and their exact way of thinking matter.

When you see different activity options going forward, consider asking the group which one they think would be the most pertinent.

Instead of: steamrolling ahead and assuming you know what will best meet their needs.

Why: groups have a great understanding of what will be most helpful to them, they often just need to be asked.

Treat the group at the height of its intelligence.
Instead of: explaining concepts they already have a good grasp of.

Why: it’s infantilizing to be ‘taught’ something that is obvious or that the group already knows.

When they have a criticism of your process, ask them what they would propose as an alternative.

Instead of: taking it personally, getting defensive, or continuing on as though nothing had happened.

Why: the fire of criticism can generate powerful forward movement if the ball of responsibility is tossed back.

When they criticize your facilitation or you as a facilitator, inquire into what deeply held values are behind the critique. In other words, use the criticism to step into empathy and understanding.

Instead of: making the mistake of receiving the personal attack and feeling useless as a facilitator. You can take time after the meeting to consider the statement and process it as needed.

Why: in many ways, receiving a criticism can be a trap that brings you into an activated ego state.

Share a flow of the agenda when possible.

Instead of: keeping the agenda to yourself and denying participants the opportunity to modulate their energy and participation as needed.
Why: participants will know at what point they will be able to discuss and contribute fully which can be quite reassuring.

Allow multiple entry points for different levels of participation.Someone is energetic and loves your activities ? Great. Someone is grumpy and has no energy? Great, let them join in a way that feels good to them.

Instead of: making it clear that only a certain kind of (often extroverted) participation is welcome.

Why: participants will feel they can show up more authentically and fully when they realize you aren’t subtly expecting them to be a certain way.

Share your own imperfections and quirks as they naturally arise.Instead of: cultivating an image of a perfect godlike facilitator.

Why: participants will feel all the more comfortable knowing you are just a person holding space, not some separate and infinitely knowledgeable being. This involves being in situations of vulnerability in front of the group and yes, failing.
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Bottom line: The next time an ambiguous situation arises, consider asking yourself what would be most in service of your group’s self-determination and empowerment.